Should There Be Butterflies?

I was sending a reply email to a good friend who simply asked me about where my personal life is going. She asked if there are any butterfly sparks she should know and instead of giving her a clear categorical answer, i ended up giving her a blog piece.

...I dont have much faith in sparks and chemistry anymore. I guess im just passed that. Somehow, somewhere in the middle of all the fantasies lodged in my reality--or better yet, realities lodged in my fantasy, i have realized that blissful romance cannot exist! If it does, it wont last and sooner or later one is always bound to get hurt. No im not closing my doors, nor am i being sarcastic or bitter. Im being truthful and honest. I mean, if we are to find someone who can be with us as our lifetime partners, watching sunsets, making our coffee more meaningful, or even just someone to make us coffee...then the sparks flying cannot sustain all that, it simply will not hold, it wont last....but the companionship, the 'thereness' is simply what counts... :)

Now im not sure if this is really what being 31 sounds like....but if it is, im not disagreeing. I think its about time i cut back on the dreams and start living in the real world.

Birthday Gift

I heard that sometimes the most beautiful thing to do is to give. And only when its really worth so much does the giving become more meaningful. I have been cradling this love and many times i found myself clasping it close, too scared to set it free, too tired to let it be ...

This time im ready to give it so it may grow. And this birthday i have given the greatest gift i could ever give in this life. And i guess what i heard is true. If its really special, if its sincere, and if its given from the heart, then, and only then, can one say she has truly loved.

...only a fool would commit what he knows to language; much less would he put what he has learned into a form which is unrevisable and which can fall into the wrong hands, namely the form of a written text ... -Heidegger

A Letter

This was an email i received in 2001 from a very good friend who is now based in Canberra. Its one of those friendships that can cut across time and you're just proud to have. We dont often communicate but thats the best part because whenever he is in town we always pick up right where we left off. Hmmm, the last time we met was June '06.

There's always room for a good walk, quiet moments when our thoughts are doing the talking, a piece of a song, his guitar strings, cuesticks and tofu, big laughs till we couldnt breathe, and just a remebrance that never fails to encourage the spirit and warm the heart.

I look back and I am blessed to have found a true friend. He saw me at my worse, knows my darkest secret, and held my heart when it was falling. I think he was the one who made me try sodoku knowing how bad i was (and still am) with numbers. Taught me to play billiards when for years i sucked at it. Inspired me to go back to my grad studies when i completely abandoned it. Helped me find myself when i was just about ready to lose it. He taught me honesty.

And if i never had the chance to say this before, for the record i want to say Thanks to God. Not to the guy because he might just forget, or might think of it as one of our dialectics. But most importantly a meaningful thank you to God, for bringing him into my life that i may never forget the identity and value of a real friend.


Hi Majorie,

As promised, a reply. How are things? I trust Crossover is running efficiently as usual. Still, I'm wondering how you are and how you're feeling about life in general. Do let me know when you have the time.Tell me about the revitalising manila trip.

The 'concept' with me is that yes I have decided to accept USC's offer for next semester. I will teach the graduate course in history and an udnergrad anthropology course. I am quite looking forward to it, though I'm feeling very sad because I will again have to leave many things here that I hold dear. But one must do what one has to do.

This next phase will be very different from before. I do not intend to live in walingwaling. I've decided that I should rent out an apartment or pension house of some sort. I was hoping that you could give me some ideas on where and how much a good place might be -- somewhere near the rotonda. You know how i value independence maje. I think I owe myself the simple pleasures of once again having my own space.

I have been corresponding with Stefan and my European trip in September is a certainty. He tells me constantly about Kofi (I asked him to take care of him for me) and always coughs when he feels a heart attack coming along. Problem is, I can't stop him from constantly exposing his shaamhaar. Damn German.

Emotionally, I'm terrific. I've reestablished my rightful position within 'the loop' of my circle of friends. I was right in anticipating that I would miss them more than I knew. Sorry about that jazzy email the other day by the way -- it was an accident. But at least now you know the types of things we get up to and how we go about planning them (that was a great great great night by the way).

Gotta go, mein freund. I expect nothing less than a thoughtful response about the concept with you alright? I will be waiting.

Take care.
xo
J.

being

The last few days i have been spending many hours trying to revise my dissertation proposal. I spent it in my favorite starbucks for 10 hours a day just trying to get work done. Reading, writing, and just carefully trying to comprehend what Suzuki and Heidegger seemed to be saying. When i got home almost midnight from staying all day in the coffeeshop, i'd still encode and edit those i wrote in the afternoon and stay up till three or four in the morning...

So, in the last two weeks there have been no sunrise episodes, no early rising, no french toast breakfasts where im the first customer in this other coffeeshop thats closer to home. I'd wake up and i can sense that its way past ten and the chance for early morning peace and quiet is already lost.

Perhaps this is the price i pay for being encouraged and being moved to write and write well. The last week of May, i attended a philosophical conference and there i was inspired by the speakers. I wanted to be like my mentors, to be sprawling in depth and insight in philosophy. I wanted to have even that breath of confidence. I wanted to finish my dissertation.

So as this semester begins, and as i will have time to do my reserach I pray that everything will go smooth. This is my plan and yet i am hoping that God may grant me this wish. I simply want to make my work worthy and meaningful, not just for me but for others who are in the same line of interest. Continuing my work now i am reminded of why i took philosophy in the first place. And now i am certain i am still in the right track. It has something to do with the passion for truth, the relentless pursuit of knowledge, that deep questioning of all grand narratives, and yet still be anchored in faith.

In spite of all the books, the online journals, the drafts, the sore index finger, i am thankful that even in the midst of all the floundering and everydayness i can still manage to sit back and take pleasure in the details. I thank God for my peace.

I wish i knew the song first :)


COFFEE
by COPELAND


There's plenty of time left tonight
I promised I'd have you home before daylight
We do the best we can in a small town
Act like big city kids when the sun goes down

If it's not too late for coffee
I'll be at your place in ten
We'll hit that all night diner
And then we'll see

There's so many things I have to say
I'll stay up all night to hear about your day
We do the best we can in a small town
Act like kids in love when the sun goes down

If it's not too late for coffee
I'll be at your place in ten
We'll hit that all night diner
And then we'll see

There's a love that transcends
All that we've known of ourselves
And I'll wait for it to come
I'll wait for it to come
Well it's got to be strong to touch my heart
Through it's shell
And I'll wait for it to come
I'll wait for it to come

Armchair

I am praying for my armchair. A little space in this universe where i can read and write. I just want to be sprawling in depth and in verse in philosophy. I need my space. I may have to resort to my usual coffee place but it can be pretty expensive.

I MISS MY AMICI DAYS where coffee was just 30 pesos and i have the joint all to myself. I could sit there for hours just reading and writing bringing with me my books, notebook, ballpen and cd's and just let the barista play it. I was comfortable, too comfortable that i even thanked the place in my master's thesis. 2001-2003 were meaningful years because of my Amici.

I pray God will grant me this wish. My literal place in this world. My armchair.