Armchair
I am praying for my armchair. A little space in this universe where i can read and write. I just want to be sprawling in depth and in verse in philosophy. I need my space. I may have to resort to my usual coffee place but it can be pretty expensive.
I MISS MY AMICI DAYS where coffee was just 30 pesos and i have the joint all to myself. I could sit there for hours just reading and writing bringing with me my books, notebook, ballpen and cd's and just let the barista play it. I was comfortable, too comfortable that i even thanked the place in my master's thesis. 2001-2003 were meaningful years because of my Amici.
I pray God will grant me this wish. My literal place in this world. My armchair.
Monday, May 26, 2008
Tuesday, May 20, 2008
Feeble Thoughts
"You smiled and talked to me of nothing and i felt that for this I had been waiting long" - Rabindranath Tagor
A few minutes ago while i was in the middle of bitter gourd chicken fricasse and rock lobster...i suddenly thought of a great line that i have to keep in my blog or lose the moment forever. Here it is ...
i find myself always stuck in a song, somewhere lodged between the lyrics and reality suspended overtime.
"You smiled and talked to me of nothing and i felt that for this I had been waiting long" - Rabindranath Tagor
A few minutes ago while i was in the middle of bitter gourd chicken fricasse and rock lobster...i suddenly thought of a great line that i have to keep in my blog or lose the moment forever. Here it is ...
i find myself always stuck in a song, somewhere lodged between the lyrics and reality suspended overtime.
Friday, May 16, 2008
Thank God for My Pain
Four days ago i accidentally caught my pointer finger as i slammed the car door shut. I wanted to just scream from the impact and say nothing major happened...i wanted to pretend like such clumsiness could never happen to me ... i wanted to just go straight into the cafe and order my hot white chocolate mocha ... i wanted to try to relive that evening and hope i'd never have to feel this pain ... but life is not always about happy endings and sooner or later we all mess up sometimes. And i did ... apart from my index finger that has a fractured bone, with the nail totally pulled out from the root at the emergency room where i made a spectacle of myself wailing in pain, my already squished finger tip thats caked with blood and anti-bacterial ointment even now, and the top of my finger turning a shade of green from the shots i had to endure that fateful night, i dare say, i feel good!
And coming from a person with zero tolerance for physical pain, its a miracle! the whole time while i was waiting for my turn to be attended in the ER (940pm-1230am) which was a good three-hour wait, without pain killers or anesthesia, when all the people that should know have been informed, i had my agonizing moment with God.
I didn't blame Him or question Him for my stupidity. But i was practically begging Him to bail me out of my misery. I wanted Him to hold my hand the whole time and tell me its ok. To carry me and whisper soothing words of calm into my ears. I did not literally hear his voice but somehow i felt i was learning to be still. Lifted from my torment and just ironically comforted by the pain.
I felt the pain, and, yes, even now i still do, gravely. But somehow i have been reassured. And for days i tried to find the perfect verse of scripture that will explain my unbelievable strength. And its only now that i am taken back to John 16:33 "I have told you these things so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world!"
Thank God for my pain. And with the experience i had the physical sting is not the only measure of my troubles. Emotionally, spiritually, i have been beaten as well. I look at my finger now and i can see a reflection of my suffering. But i dont dwell on that anymore. I have come to realize that in this world, this life i lead, i will always be bruised. I will never be enough. I will forever be distracted, dissatisfied, discontented with an eternity of wants unless i put my rest on God. Only then will i have peace.
This finger will heal and in time the nail will grow back. And this pain i feel now will only be a distant memory. But the significance and meaning of this pain will always be remembered. I have to feel the pain to know that God will not give me anything i cannot handle. I need pain to remind me that i am weak. I have to feel this pain so i can seek God again. I need this pain so i may learn to draw strength in God alone.
Praise God for my pain.
Four days ago i accidentally caught my pointer finger as i slammed the car door shut. I wanted to just scream from the impact and say nothing major happened...i wanted to pretend like such clumsiness could never happen to me ... i wanted to just go straight into the cafe and order my hot white chocolate mocha ... i wanted to try to relive that evening and hope i'd never have to feel this pain ... but life is not always about happy endings and sooner or later we all mess up sometimes. And i did ... apart from my index finger that has a fractured bone, with the nail totally pulled out from the root at the emergency room where i made a spectacle of myself wailing in pain, my already squished finger tip thats caked with blood and anti-bacterial ointment even now, and the top of my finger turning a shade of green from the shots i had to endure that fateful night, i dare say, i feel good!
And coming from a person with zero tolerance for physical pain, its a miracle! the whole time while i was waiting for my turn to be attended in the ER (940pm-1230am) which was a good three-hour wait, without pain killers or anesthesia, when all the people that should know have been informed, i had my agonizing moment with God.
I didn't blame Him or question Him for my stupidity. But i was practically begging Him to bail me out of my misery. I wanted Him to hold my hand the whole time and tell me its ok. To carry me and whisper soothing words of calm into my ears. I did not literally hear his voice but somehow i felt i was learning to be still. Lifted from my torment and just ironically comforted by the pain.
I felt the pain, and, yes, even now i still do, gravely. But somehow i have been reassured. And for days i tried to find the perfect verse of scripture that will explain my unbelievable strength. And its only now that i am taken back to John 16:33 "I have told you these things so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world!"
Thank God for my pain. And with the experience i had the physical sting is not the only measure of my troubles. Emotionally, spiritually, i have been beaten as well. I look at my finger now and i can see a reflection of my suffering. But i dont dwell on that anymore. I have come to realize that in this world, this life i lead, i will always be bruised. I will never be enough. I will forever be distracted, dissatisfied, discontented with an eternity of wants unless i put my rest on God. Only then will i have peace.
This finger will heal and in time the nail will grow back. And this pain i feel now will only be a distant memory. But the significance and meaning of this pain will always be remembered. I have to feel the pain to know that God will not give me anything i cannot handle. I need pain to remind me that i am weak. I have to feel this pain so i can seek God again. I need this pain so i may learn to draw strength in God alone.
Praise God for my pain.
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